Love and Life

It has been three years since I have written to you. You are growing. Soon you’ll be a little adult. I could not muster the courage to come here, until today.

Today is, probably, the first time after we parted that I am trying to trust again. I don’t know if I can, but I do know that Saquib is a trustworthy person. Subhanallaah, Allaah is so merciful and generous. All of Ramadan I asked Allaah to introduce in my life a Muslim man who would be supportive. I don’t know why I kept asking for someone who is Muslim and supportive, that’s all I wanted. Saquib is supportive and everything more, everything. He makes me want to love, trust and listen. He makes me happy. He makes me want to not be alone. He makes me a romantic. He makes me believe in people. Weirdly, he makes me strong. He is the type of man I would like for you.

I hope, one day, you get to meet him. Some times life feels difficult and heavy. Some times you feel like a screw up, and then, there are other times when you allow people to screw with you. I guess, these are times when people around you matter the most. Someone to remind you of you.

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One Year Later

Exactly this time last year, I was laboring. Waiting to see you.

One year later, I’m laboring again. Waiting to see you.

I’m sure my wait will come to an end soon. I’m certain.

Another piece of advice

There are many people that you’re going to meet. Millions. But, you will certainly come across just a few who you won’t, or rather, can’t forget.

You may even be forced to stay apart from those you love. It’ll hurt a lot. And, I may not be there for you. I may not be there to cradle you in my arms and tell you, everything will be fine.

The best advice I can give you is find comfort in patience and prayer. That will certainly give to relief.

Yes, I am Devastated

You are 8 months old. And, I haven’t seen you since…

Yes, I am devastated. Yes, I am hurt. Yes, I am mourning ever since…

I love you and miss you. I yearn to hold you once again.

7 months and 2 weeks old

I read this email (below) one fine morning and my heart started mourning. I went back to the calendar and counted the days and weeks again. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have. I pray that I get my little princess back. I pray I don’t come home empty-handed again. Ya Allaah, please grant me success and please let me come home with my baby. Ameen.

From Babycentre:

“You’ve always known that you and your baby are two separate creatures, but she hasn’t. To her, the two of you are one — she has no identity of her own yet. When you put her in front of a mirror, she doesn’t even realise that the baby she sees is herself. But this month she’ll make a huge mental leap and finally understand that she’s an individual, with her own body, thoughts, and feelings. This jump in understanding opens the door to her growing emotional and physical independence, which will take years to fully develop.”

Confused?

A little bit of excitement. A little bit of anxiety. A little bit of nervousness. A little bit of grief. A little bit of happiness. A little bit of curiosity.

But, a whole load of love. Oh, I just can’t wait.

Pieces of Me for My Daughter…

I couldn’t have put the following message as eloquently as this sister did.

If you were to address your future progeny in a letter; what would you say? -by Hanaa

I’m writing this letter on the parched paper of my forgetful soul. I use the ink of my earnest faith and deepest fears to pen down these words. I’m writing this letter to my daughter; should He subhana wa ta’la decree that I be granted one. I want to give her pieces of me; words plucked from the core. Heartfelt advice drenched in the aftermath of thoughtful examination.

Sweetheart,

I’ve struggled. I’ve put pen to paper time after time, wishing I could seamlessly spill all I want to say to you onto this single page. There is a vast ocean of things I want to tell you; things I want to share.

My heart, these are pieces of me that I want you to have. Things I’ve learned that, I pray to Allah, you will learn throughout your own life, bi’ithnillah.

I want you to always remember how the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam described modesty. He said that, ” Modesty does not come into anything without adorning it.” – Al-Tirmidhi. Keep his (peace be upon him) words etched in the forefront of your mind and ruminate over them as you embark on your lifelong struggle of protecting your modesty.

My love, know that your hijab is your armor, cherish it. Know that Allah never lets the efforts of His slaves go to waste, so be steadfast so that His everlasting mercy shall be yours, inshaAllah. Have the full conviction that you are beautiful; never doubt that, for you are a creation of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Beauty can be found in the most unlikely of places, so search. Search high and low. Flee anywhere and everywhere and do not yield until you find it. Open your eyes, my love. Live your life wide eyed and uncontrived.

Always remember that the best cure for sadness or heartache is two rakats. Purify yourself and draw close to your Lord who tells you to implore Him subhana wa ta’la. Never despair, for He azawajal hears your calls.

Darling, when Allah grants you triumphs, remember Him and when you’re being tested, remember Him still. Remember that everything comes from Allah. The heartbreak and laughter are all rooted in what our ever-compassionate Lord has decreed.

Only for the sake of Allah spend all that He azawajal has granted you. Devote your time, energy, means and senses to all that please Him and do not stray from being thankful.

Know that chaos and order are a matter of perspective and that you can change things by simply changing how you perceive them. Be mindful of the world around you, for we are all part of an ummah.

Pursue your dreams ruthlessly and know that only with the aid and assistance of Allah can your greatest ambition become a reality.  So work hard and pray harder.

My love, know that speech, which doesn’t improve silence, is more often than not irrevocably fruitless. There’s something about words that I want you to realize; they have an immense amount of power. Humble yourself for like our father Adam, you are made of earth.

Go through life filling your pockets with all of the countless experiences you will have, inshaAllah, whilst never forgetting that truthfully, without Allah our days are without life, our hearts without love and our eyes without tears. I have learned that we have never truly lived, loved nor cried if not for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Finally, know that all the love I have, in the deep recesses of my heart, for you, is an unfathomably minuscule amount compared to how much Allah azawajal has for you.

I pray that He guides you to the straight path and bestows upon you the mercy of being a righteous Muslimah.

Depressed, but still Trying

It has been a long time since I have been here. The reason is depression. I still cry myself to sleep and can’t get a lot going. Doing anything is an effort whether it is bathing or just tying my shoelaces. But, I am still fighting. I am still fighting for you. The strength comes from Allaah, then from being a mother. There is nothing worse for a mother than having her little baby taken away from her. I want revenge, but I want my daughter first. I don’t think I can ever forgive that man.

I miss a lot. I am still reliving every second with you. Last year this time, you were a little fetus in me. I loved you then and still love you now.

Trying to Move On

It is not easy to have a daughter and have her taken away and then, live again. It is really hard. I am trying really hard to be as productive as possible while fighting for you. My thoughts and dreams are all about you. I keep thinking of the days you would fall asleep only if I held you. And, now, you don’t even know the person who loves you the most. You are comfortable away in a different country with different people. You are happy too, that’s what I want for you. But, I also want to be part of your happiness. I miss you a lot. I keep wondering if there will be a day when you will be in my arms or that day will never come.

I am finding it so difficult to deal with all this. Pain, confusion and love all in one heart. I have no idea how I am living each day but one thing I do know is that I have hope that one day you will know the mother who loves you beyond boundaries. I just wish I held on. I should have held on. I left my most precious thing. I should have held on. I did hold on but I should have tried harder. I miss you so much. There is not a moment I am not thinking of you. This wait is so difficult.