Impatient!

It seems like a very long time since I have seen you. I can’t wait for the next appointment on Sunday. The days aren’t passing as fast as I would like them to pass.

Just last night, I was on bed alone dreaming of how you would be and how our relationship would be. I realized that you will be growing up and soon you will be an adult. You may go far away from me to accomplish your dreams. And, I will miss you a lot. Just the thought of you going away from me makes me cry and breaks my heart. But, I don’t think I will ever stop you from flying as high as possible.

There maybe times I may impose on you dreams I haven’t been able to accomplish yet. Forgive me for that. All I want for you is the best. The best that you deserve and the best that is meant for you.

Sometimes I feel you are going to exhaust all my love and there won’t be any left for anyone else. I guess, no one knows the capacity of how much one can give.

When I think of you now, all I can think of is love, affection, warmth, caring and fun. These are the words that come to mind when I think of you, I don’t think it will ever change. You are my Baby and I will always love you. Always and unconditionally.

Two UltraSounds Later

Your second ultrasound was on 28th April 2010, Wednesday. I saw your little heartbeat for the first time. I can’t tell you how happy I was to see it and teared up. Couldn’t help it, emotional mothers! I made a lot of duaa to see this tiny heartbeat. You looked like a small bean with a heartbeat. My lil heartbeat beanie. I can’t tell you how happy I was. Expressing it is really difficult. I called up Daddy and screamed on the phone, ‘I saw the heartbeat, I saw the heartbeat’. Then, I called Nana and Nani, but they weren’t answering. Your billi-Nani answered and it was late there (India), but she was happy to hear the good news and rattled a list of directions for your good health.

The doctor asked me to visit her back after two weeks which was 12th May 2010. But, within these two weeks, I started getting all anxious and worried. My nausea was subsiding, since that is one of the symptoms of the first trimester pregnancy, I started panicking. I kept telling myself that I was miscarrying and that’s why the nausea was subsiding. I worried for a long time and the hot weather was not helping in calming my nerves. I asked my friends, Mona and Blessy, if that was normal. They said I was worrying for no reason. But, that didn’t calm me either.

Finally, I decided, I am just going to go back for another check-up before the appointed date as the worry was getting the best of me. I went back to the clinic on 9th May 2010, Sunday. As soon as I entered the doctors office, I started rattling away. ‘I think I am miscarrying. I know I am supposed to meet with you after two weeks. But, I think I am miscarrying. That’s why I came now’. Dr. Nahed, she is an elderly doctor, guessed that I was just being anxious because of my previous miscarriage. She asked me lie down and started the ultrasound. I couldn’t wait for her to start. Finally, I see you on the screen and was holding my breath until she told me that she saw your heartbeat. She said, everything was going great and I was just stressing out for no reason. Your Daddy is in Doha now, and has been for two weeks, so she said it loneliness that was depressing me further.

This time your heartbeat wasn’t so clear to me as it was the first time. You know why? Because you were moving a lot. It looked like you were somersaulting continuously. It was really funny to see you. The doctor had a tough time trying to take your measurements as you were so active. Hahahahahaha. She also said, ‘Your baby is very active’. I guess the early signs show that you are taking after your grandparents. Alhamdullilaah, you showed good growth like that of a 9 to 10 week fetus.

Sweetie, I am so glad you are in me and you are doing well. I can’t tell you how I worry about you each and every day and I am sure I will continue to do so for a very long time. You are my little baby and I love you more and more with each passing day even though you are currently rocking my world with nausea, backaches, food aversions and dry heaves and in the future it will be puke and pee. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and snuggle in with you.