Paranda

Right now, I am not sure if you will ever know what a paranda is. Let me give you a small definition:

Decorative, colourful strings, knotted together into a woman’s braid or designed into hair buns. The tassels are highly decorative: red is usually used for brides, gold or silver for special occasions, and other colours to match the everyday apparel.

 

I don’t know if I will ever be able to knot a paranda on your lovely hair. I always wanted to decorate your hair with all sorts of accessories and dress you up like a doll. Today, I am wearing a silver-colored paranda. And, inshallaah, tomorrow I will wear a gold one. I will save these ones for you. Inshallaah, I will be able to knot this gold and silver ones on your hair too.

I have put up a few photos on how to tie a paranda on your hair.

There you go… Your small tutorial on how to knot a paranda. I have always had so many plans for you, from fashion to education.

I love you a lot. You are my most beautiful baby.

Ice Age 3

I, finally, watched Ice Age 3 today. The female mammoth (Ellie) in there was giving birth to her little one (Peaches). I remembered our journey.

My water broke on 1st of December 2010 at around 11pm. I couldn’t believe it at first. I told Daddy let me make sure and when I saw clear fluid leaking out of me, I still couldn’t believe it. After that it were the contractions that were keeping in touch with reality, ‘I was going to have a baby soon’!!! Daddy called the doctor and started keeping a check on the contractions. Bang 7 minutes apart. I didn’t know that the contractions would be so painful. Hindsight, it was the most beautiful thing I would ever experience. It was a sign that I was going to give birth to the most precious baby.

In an hour we were off to the hospital to meet the doctor. After 20 hours of continuous contractions, painful internal examinations, no sleep and no food; you were finally out. 2nd December 2010, my little (loud) Princess was born. A C-Section had to be done. Nevertheless, when I first lay eyes on you, I couldn’t believe you were my baby. My little baby. I couldn’t believe that I have a baby, that I am a mommy. I was a bit sad too because I couldn’t carry you, was all sore and cold after the operation.

Everything was a blur for at least an hour after I got into the room. There were a whole load of emotions going on in me. It was like I was feeling all sorts of contradicting emotions all at once, happiness, sadness, shock, disbelief, relief, scared… I just felt like crying, I was so scared above all. I didn’t want to hurt you. I wasn’t sure if I could give you happiness and comfort. I was even scared to touch your smooth sensitive skin. I wanted to keep you in a lovely glass crib where you would be protected from the dirt of this world. I didn’t want anyone touching you. You were just so precious to me.

The next day came and I was still unable to sleep. People came to see you. And, I just kept quiet when they touched you. Oh, I was boiling from inside. I felt like screaming, ‘Leave me and my baby alone’. All I wanted to do was to lay down beside you, hold you and tell you how much I love you. The nine months had been the most beautiful journey of my life with you. I can’t imagine anything more fulfilling than being pregnant and then holding your baby. You were my dream come true.

My heart and eyes haven’t stopped crying yet. There has not been one night when I haven’t dreamt of you. I wake up from every sleep thinking of you. I go to sleep, thinking of you. I want you to know that I didn’t abandon you, I held on to you as tight as I could. I held on.

It has been 10 days!

It seems like 10 years. Everyday I think of you. Everytime I make duaa for you. I keep looking at your photos and wonder how you look now. I wonder if you have reached any milestone. I wonder if you still remember me. I wonder if you miss me. You would enjoy it when I would sing in your ear, hold you close to me or just play with you. I would enjoy staring at you while you slept. I would fall asleep staring you.

I remember your 10 minute stretches and grunts when you would wake up. I remember how you would just take a sip and fall into a deep 10 minute sleep, only to wake up hungry as ever. I remember your cooing while I would talk to you.

I have been asked to keep my heart strong, in case I never see you again. But, I just can’t. You will always find me in tears when I see a baby or see your photo or even just think of you. I miss you so much and you are so far away. I yearn to hold you again.

Inshallaah, one day you will come to me, hug me and say, “Mommy, I love you”. And, that day I would be the most happiest person alive.

Will This be the Last Time?

Inshallaah, No. You were taken away from me on 17th January 2011, right after Fajr. I held on to you as tightly as possible. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want you to go. Oh, how I miss you.

The night before we slept together on one pillow. I hugged you and slept for almost the whole night. Somehow, I felt this would be our last night together. I kept singing, Come hug me for I don’t know if this beautiful night will ever happen again. I used to enjoy making you sleep close to me. You liked it too. Whenever you would be uncomfortable, I would hold you to my chest and we both we sleep. You were my comfort and I was yours. And, I loved that. I loved the fact that you found comfort in me. Now, I don’t know if that will ever be the case again.

I may never get to see your first roll or first step or first word. You may never address me as Mommy. I may never get to teach you nursery rhymes and alphabets. I may never feed you. I may never get to play with you. You may never love me. You may never recognize me as your Mommy.

My heart hurts. It hurts a lot. I feel as if my heart as been ripped in two and you have a piece. You are so far from me. So far. I don’t know what is going on with you. I miss you a lot. A lot. I miss you a lot.

On Being Colicky

Are you colicky? No.

The first time when you started crying inconsolably for two days, I thought you were colicky. But, it just turned out to be a gas problem. Your stomach was hard and that was causing you a lot of discomfort, obviously. This was sorted out by giving a couple of teaspoons of ajwain (in arabic yansoon) water three times a day. You were back to being a cute baby.

The second time you started crying crazily at night was when you had a congested chest and a stuffed nose. We got you nose drops that you seemed to like. I would put one drop in each nose expecting you to wail afterwards but nothing. For your congested chest we gave you onion syrup. Onion syrup is really good for getting that extra phlegm out of your body, it all comes out either from your mouth or bum. Since you are a teeny-weeny baby you were given just a teaspoon but when you grow up, I will give you a tablespoon. It is really tasty.

Now, the third time was the worst. You would cry the whole night. THE WHOLE NIGHT. And, be uncomfortable during the day. I hated to see you so uncomfortable resulting in you being over-tired and unable to drink properly. This time the culprit was you weren’t able to clear your tummy. Your diapers would be wet but not dirty. This time an infantile suppository came to our rescue. We just put one into your bum, you exploded. Exploded. Your diaper was full and your clothes dirty. After we cleaned you slept like mommy’s little angel. And, after that you were back to your routine of dirting 3 – 4 diapers everyday.

All these remedies that were used to comfort you, you can use them at anytime of your life (well, suppository may just be uncomfortable when you get older, hahahahaha). To make ajwain (yansoon) water, put a teaspoon of ajwain in one cup water and boil. You can drink that after every meal, helps in digestion. For the onion syrup, cut the onions in circles, very thin circles (only circles) and sprinkle sugar over it. Keep this in a tilted plate and in around 10 – 15 minutes, you should have some syrup.

You are my little doll and I love you.

A Month of Motherhood

Wow! A month! And, I am still sane. Sleepless nights, light sleep and a wailing baby, I am still sane! I think I am going to be celebrating my sanity more than you being a month old, hahahahahaha…

Oh, I love you my little daughter!

A Month Old!

I can’t believe you will be a month old tomorrow, inshallaah. You have been a lovely baby this past month. You are growing up really quickly. Now, you kick your way up, you can move your head and you coo and gurgle at us when we speak to you. You have the loudest voice here, your crying can wake up any living person! You had a loud voice from day one. I remember being quite shocked to hear you cry just a couple of hours after you were born. You were LOUD, really LOUD. You have the most adorable smile. Oh, I can just eat you up.

You have settled into a very inconvenient routine. You sleep by day and want to be entertained at night. This is the most difficult thing for me, waking up every two hours and keeping you fairly entertained all night while others are snoring.

Oh, I forgot to mention, you are a bundle of snorts, farts, burps and grunts! You come up with the most weirdest of noises. Sometimes you fart/burp so loud that it sounds like an adult farting/burping. Hahahahaha…

This post seems to be all over the place as I am getting all emotional about you growing up so quickly. I wish time could slow down a bit so that I can savor every moment with you a little more.

Oh my daughter, you have been the warmth and love that I waited for all these months. But, you have also been a test, test of patience. You have given me strength, I know I am strong enough to take care of you. I cannot imagine going through life without you. You have made me a mother, your mother. I love you!