I, finally, watched Ice Age 3 today. The female mammoth (Ellie) in there was giving birth to her little one (Peaches). I remembered our journey.
My water broke on 1st of December 2010 at around 11pm. I couldn’t believe it at first. I told Daddy let me make sure and when I saw clear fluid leaking out of me, I still couldn’t believe it. After that it were the contractions that were keeping in touch with reality, ‘I was going to have a baby soon’!!! Daddy called the doctor and started keeping a check on the contractions. Bang 7 minutes apart. I didn’t know that the contractions would be so painful. Hindsight, it was the most beautiful thing I would ever experience. It was a sign that I was going to give birth to the most precious baby.
In an hour we were off to the hospital to meet the doctor. After 20 hours of continuous contractions, painful internal examinations, no sleep and no food; you were finally out. 2nd December 2010, my little (loud) Princess was born. A C-Section had to be done. Nevertheless, when I first lay eyes on you, I couldn’t believe you were my baby. My little baby. I couldn’t believe that I have a baby, that I am a mommy. I was a bit sad too because I couldn’t carry you, was all sore and cold after the operation.
Everything was a blur for at least an hour after I got into the room. There were a whole load of emotions going on in me. It was like I was feeling all sorts of contradicting emotions all at once, happiness, sadness, shock, disbelief, relief, scared… I just felt like crying, I was so scared above all. I didn’t want to hurt you. I wasn’t sure if I could give you happiness and comfort. I was even scared to touch your smooth sensitive skin. I wanted to keep you in a lovely glass crib where you would be protected from the dirt of this world. I didn’t want anyone touching you. You were just so precious to me.
The next day came and I was still unable to sleep. People came to see you. And, I just kept quiet when they touched you. Oh, I was boiling from inside. I felt like screaming, ‘Leave me and my baby alone’. All I wanted to do was to lay down beside you, hold you and tell you how much I love you. The nine months had been the most beautiful journey of my life with you. I can’t imagine anything more fulfilling than being pregnant and then holding your baby. You were my dream come true.
My heart and eyes haven’t stopped crying yet. There has not been one night when I haven’t dreamt of you. I wake up from every sleep thinking of you. I go to sleep, thinking of you. I want you to know that I didn’t abandon you, I held on to you as tight as I could. I held on.