Confused?

A little bit of excitement. A little bit of anxiety. A little bit of nervousness. A little bit of grief. A little bit of happiness. A little bit of curiosity.

But, a whole load of love. Oh, I just can’t wait.

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Pieces of Me for My Daughter…

I couldn’t have put the following message as eloquently as this sister did.

If you were to address your future progeny in a letter; what would you say? -by Hanaa

I’m writing this letter on the parched paper of my forgetful soul. I use the ink of my earnest faith and deepest fears to pen down these words. I’m writing this letter to my daughter; should He subhana wa ta’la decree that I be granted one. I want to give her pieces of me; words plucked from the core. Heartfelt advice drenched in the aftermath of thoughtful examination.

Sweetheart,

I’ve struggled. I’ve put pen to paper time after time, wishing I could seamlessly spill all I want to say to you onto this single page. There is a vast ocean of things I want to tell you; things I want to share.

My heart, these are pieces of me that I want you to have. Things I’ve learned that, I pray to Allah, you will learn throughout your own life, bi’ithnillah.

I want you to always remember how the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam described modesty. He said that, ” Modesty does not come into anything without adorning it.” – Al-Tirmidhi. Keep his (peace be upon him) words etched in the forefront of your mind and ruminate over them as you embark on your lifelong struggle of protecting your modesty.

My love, know that your hijab is your armor, cherish it. Know that Allah never lets the efforts of His slaves go to waste, so be steadfast so that His everlasting mercy shall be yours, inshaAllah. Have the full conviction that you are beautiful; never doubt that, for you are a creation of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Beauty can be found in the most unlikely of places, so search. Search high and low. Flee anywhere and everywhere and do not yield until you find it. Open your eyes, my love. Live your life wide eyed and uncontrived.

Always remember that the best cure for sadness or heartache is two rakats. Purify yourself and draw close to your Lord who tells you to implore Him subhana wa ta’la. Never despair, for He azawajal hears your calls.

Darling, when Allah grants you triumphs, remember Him and when you’re being tested, remember Him still. Remember that everything comes from Allah. The heartbreak and laughter are all rooted in what our ever-compassionate Lord has decreed.

Only for the sake of Allah spend all that He azawajal has granted you. Devote your time, energy, means and senses to all that please Him and do not stray from being thankful.

Know that chaos and order are a matter of perspective and that you can change things by simply changing how you perceive them. Be mindful of the world around you, for we are all part of an ummah.

Pursue your dreams ruthlessly and know that only with the aid and assistance of Allah can your greatest ambition become a reality.  So work hard and pray harder.

My love, know that speech, which doesn’t improve silence, is more often than not irrevocably fruitless. There’s something about words that I want you to realize; they have an immense amount of power. Humble yourself for like our father Adam, you are made of earth.

Go through life filling your pockets with all of the countless experiences you will have, inshaAllah, whilst never forgetting that truthfully, without Allah our days are without life, our hearts without love and our eyes without tears. I have learned that we have never truly lived, loved nor cried if not for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Finally, know that all the love I have, in the deep recesses of my heart, for you, is an unfathomably minuscule amount compared to how much Allah azawajal has for you.

I pray that He guides you to the straight path and bestows upon you the mercy of being a righteous Muslimah.

Depressed, but still Trying

It has been a long time since I have been here. The reason is depression. I still cry myself to sleep and can’t get a lot going. Doing anything is an effort whether it is bathing or just tying my shoelaces. But, I am still fighting. I am still fighting for you. The strength comes from Allaah, then from being a mother. There is nothing worse for a mother than having her little baby taken away from her. I want revenge, but I want my daughter first. I don’t think I can ever forgive that man.

I miss a lot. I am still reliving every second with you. Last year this time, you were a little fetus in me. I loved you then and still love you now.