Love and Life

It has been three years since I have written to you. You are growing. Soon you’ll be a little adult. I could not muster the courage to come here, until today.

Today is, probably, the first time after we parted that I am trying to trust again. I don’t know if I can, but I do know that Saquib is a trustworthy person. Subhanallaah, Allaah is so merciful and generous. All of Ramadan I asked Allaah to introduce in my life a Muslim man who would be supportive. I don’t know why I kept asking for someone who is Muslim and supportive, that’s all I wanted. Saquib is supportive and everything more, everything. He makes me want to love, trust and listen. He makes me happy. He makes me want to not be alone. He makes me a romantic. He makes me believe in people. Weirdly, he makes me strong. He is the type of man I would like for you.

I hope, one day, you get to meet him. Some times life feels difficult and heavy. Some times you feel like a screw up, and then, there are other times when you allow people to screw with you. I guess, these are times when people around you matter the most. Someone to remind you of you.

Advertisements

7 months and 2 weeks old

I read this email (below) one fine morning and my heart started mourning. I went back to the calendar and counted the days and weeks again. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have. I pray that I get my little princess back. I pray I don’t come home empty-handed again. Ya Allaah, please grant me success and please let me come home with my baby. Ameen.

From Babycentre:

“You’ve always known that you and your baby are two separate creatures, but she hasn’t. To her, the two of you are one — she has no identity of her own yet. When you put her in front of a mirror, she doesn’t even realise that the baby she sees is herself. But this month she’ll make a huge mental leap and finally understand that she’s an individual, with her own body, thoughts, and feelings. This jump in understanding opens the door to her growing emotional and physical independence, which will take years to fully develop.”

Confused?

A little bit of excitement. A little bit of anxiety. A little bit of nervousness. A little bit of grief. A little bit of happiness. A little bit of curiosity.

But, a whole load of love. Oh, I just can’t wait.

Pieces of Me for My Daughter…

I couldn’t have put the following message as eloquently as this sister did.

If you were to address your future progeny in a letter; what would you say? -by Hanaa

I’m writing this letter on the parched paper of my forgetful soul. I use the ink of my earnest faith and deepest fears to pen down these words. I’m writing this letter to my daughter; should He subhana wa ta’la decree that I be granted one. I want to give her pieces of me; words plucked from the core. Heartfelt advice drenched in the aftermath of thoughtful examination.

Sweetheart,

I’ve struggled. I’ve put pen to paper time after time, wishing I could seamlessly spill all I want to say to you onto this single page. There is a vast ocean of things I want to tell you; things I want to share.

My heart, these are pieces of me that I want you to have. Things I’ve learned that, I pray to Allah, you will learn throughout your own life, bi’ithnillah.

I want you to always remember how the Prophet sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam described modesty. He said that, ” Modesty does not come into anything without adorning it.” – Al-Tirmidhi. Keep his (peace be upon him) words etched in the forefront of your mind and ruminate over them as you embark on your lifelong struggle of protecting your modesty.

My love, know that your hijab is your armor, cherish it. Know that Allah never lets the efforts of His slaves go to waste, so be steadfast so that His everlasting mercy shall be yours, inshaAllah. Have the full conviction that you are beautiful; never doubt that, for you are a creation of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Beauty can be found in the most unlikely of places, so search. Search high and low. Flee anywhere and everywhere and do not yield until you find it. Open your eyes, my love. Live your life wide eyed and uncontrived.

Always remember that the best cure for sadness or heartache is two rakats. Purify yourself and draw close to your Lord who tells you to implore Him subhana wa ta’la. Never despair, for He azawajal hears your calls.

Darling, when Allah grants you triumphs, remember Him and when you’re being tested, remember Him still. Remember that everything comes from Allah. The heartbreak and laughter are all rooted in what our ever-compassionate Lord has decreed.

Only for the sake of Allah spend all that He azawajal has granted you. Devote your time, energy, means and senses to all that please Him and do not stray from being thankful.

Know that chaos and order are a matter of perspective and that you can change things by simply changing how you perceive them. Be mindful of the world around you, for we are all part of an ummah.

Pursue your dreams ruthlessly and know that only with the aid and assistance of Allah can your greatest ambition become a reality.  So work hard and pray harder.

My love, know that speech, which doesn’t improve silence, is more often than not irrevocably fruitless. There’s something about words that I want you to realize; they have an immense amount of power. Humble yourself for like our father Adam, you are made of earth.

Go through life filling your pockets with all of the countless experiences you will have, inshaAllah, whilst never forgetting that truthfully, without Allah our days are without life, our hearts without love and our eyes without tears. I have learned that we have never truly lived, loved nor cried if not for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta’la.

Finally, know that all the love I have, in the deep recesses of my heart, for you, is an unfathomably minuscule amount compared to how much Allah azawajal has for you.

I pray that He guides you to the straight path and bestows upon you the mercy of being a righteous Muslimah.

Trying to Move On

It is not easy to have a daughter and have her taken away and then, live again. It is really hard. I am trying really hard to be as productive as possible while fighting for you. My thoughts and dreams are all about you. I keep thinking of the days you would fall asleep only if I held you. And, now, you don’t even know the person who loves you the most. You are comfortable away in a different country with different people. You are happy too, that’s what I want for you. But, I also want to be part of your happiness. I miss you a lot. I keep wondering if there will be a day when you will be in my arms or that day will never come.

I am finding it so difficult to deal with all this. Pain, confusion and love all in one heart. I have no idea how I am living each day but one thing I do know is that I have hope that one day you will know the mother who loves you beyond boundaries. I just wish I held on. I should have held on. I left my most precious thing. I should have held on. I did hold on but I should have tried harder. I miss you so much. There is not a moment I am not thinking of you. This wait is so difficult.

I Just Want You To Know…

that I love you and miss you. Sometimes, I feel that I have numbed the area in my heart that loves you, which is my whole heart! I have numbed it not because I don’t want to love you anymore, but because I don’t want to feel the pain that comes along with it.

Every person has their own unique way of dealing with pain, I guess this is mine. I love you a lot.

3 Months Old!

Yes, you turned 3 months two days back. Couldn’t get myself to write. Saw your photograph yesterday, Mashallaah, you have grown up and are a cute roly-poly baby, Mashallaah.

I miss you a lot and am doing everything I can to get you back. May Allaah re-unite this mother with her little baby soon, Ameen.

Trust in Allaah

My dearest baby, this world is full of difficulties and hurdles, to face these you need to put your trust in Allaah.

“And put Your trust in the Ever Living, one who dies not, and glorify his Praises, and Sufficient is He as the All-Knower of the sins of his slaves” Surah Furqan, Verse 58

Two indicators of faith are trust in Allah and submission to Him. This is the ultimate distinguishing line between the believers and unbelievers.

An unbeliever perceives the whole world as being in a state of chaos. According to him, the situations around him take place by pure coincidence. He wants to control every little detail in his life. Such a point of view is detrimental to the mental well-being of a person; he feels insecure and never trusts anyone. Nothing eases his fears for the future. He spends long hours planning ahead. On the contrary, a believer conceives the essence of this world as he is free from such insecurities. He believes that Allah holds control over every living thing and nothing occurs without His permission and knowledge. This fact is emphasized in Surah Ar-Rum, Verse 26, “To Him belongs whatever is in the heavens and the earth. All are obedient to Him.”

A very simple example of this can be seen in our day-to-day lives. You are a manager and the only employee of an organization. You have to do everything from cleaning the office to managing business affairs. That is really difficult and not an easy task. Now, you have 5 people working under you, doesn’t your life become easier? Why has your life become easier? You have delegated a part of your responsibilities to those working for you!! Similarly, Allah says, “Don’t waste time worrying over affairs, trust what has been destined to you by me”. All Allah is asking from us is our complete obedience, submission and trust in Him. Subhan-Allah, Quran is the truth!

A believer is fundamentally assured of the fact that “Allah regulates all affairs”, this is clearly mentioned in Surah Ar-Rad, Verse 2. A believer is well aware that all incidents which disrupt his normal course of life are predestined. That is why he never considers an incident to be an “unfortunate” one; though it may seem to be unfortunate. First of all, nothing is useless in Allah’s creations. Every creation has a reason and every creation is beautiful. Whatever the events affecting the life of a believer, they are definitely designed to bring goodness to him. Even if the event seems outwardly to be an unfortunate one, such as losing someone you love, a believer will persevere and put his trust in Allah. One of a characteristic of a Muslim is not feeling despair. If this were a characteristic of every individual, there would not be even one suicidal case in this world!

When we read the Quran and History we learn all the Messengers of Allah and their followers met with extremely difficult incidents. Take the example of the Sahabas when they first accepted Islam and were living in Makah. They were oppressed, threatened, assaulted and some were even killed. The most rich and affluent ones too such as Uthman ibn Affan went through this torture. Yet, they stood firm and strong and didn’t give up in their resolution. The essence of such an attitude lies solely in the consciousness a believer builds; that everything is destined by Allah. A believer is well aware of the fact that Allah always provides guidance to believers and surely places no burden on any soul that it cannot bear. There are many verses in the Quran where emphasis has been laid on the trust of the believer:
Say: “Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us. He is Our Maulâ (Lord, Helper and Protector).” and In Allah let the believers put their trust. Surah Al-Tawba, verse 51)

At this point, we must avoid an essential misconception: putting the course of events in the care of Allah in no way means avoidance of becoming involved in daily affairs. There are many who take no efforts in resolving problems in their lives. Instead, they just say, everything is in the hands of Allah. On the contrary, a believer deals with every stage of a problem and shoulders all responsibilities. They take the initiative in anything they undertake by taking Allah as a guardian and helper.

I will end by stating a few promises that Allah has made to those who put his trust in Him.

Allah has promised a true believer protection from the temptations of Satan. In the Quran this is expressed in Surah An-Nahl, Verse 99, Verily! He (Satan) has no power over those who believe and put their trust only in their Lord (Allah).

Allah has also promised the true believer His compassion on the Day of Judgment, as mentioned in Surah Ash-Shura, Verse 36, So whatever You have been given is but a passing enjoyment for This worldly life, but that which is with Allah (Paradise) is better and more lasting for those who believe (in the Oneness of Allah Islamic Monotheism) and put their trust In their Lord (concerning All of their affairs).

My love, this is an important lesson which if learnt and perfected, life becomes very easy. Pain becomes manageable. Despair becomes non-existant. Eeman becomes stronger, subhanallaah. Always say ‘Alhamdullilaah a’ala kulli haal’.

Being Grateful

I realized that from the time you were taken away, I have been begging Allaah to give you back to me. I have been crying in front of him for forgiveness. Little did I realize that I had much to be grateful for too. I spoke to a very dear friend of mine, N, and she turned my attention to all that I should be thanking Allaah for. Alhamdullilaah aala kulli haal.

No doubt, I am in pain. But, at the same time, I have bought myself closer to Allaah. And, that in itself is something I should be thanking Allaah for. After every difficulty comes ease, and I will have my ease too. Allaah has promised this ease to those who are patient, and He keeps his promises. This is an important lesson I want you to learn. Life is full of difficulties and hardships, but there are also times of ease and this ease is promised by Allaah to those who are patient and have faith in Him alone.

There is no one worthy of worship except Allaah. And, be grateful to Him in times of ease and difficulty.