One Year Later

Exactly this time last year, I was laboring. Waiting to see you.

One year later, I’m laboring again. Waiting to see you.

I’m sure my wait will come to an end soon. I’m certain.

Fighting for You

This is really difficult. Being in the same city and not able to even see you. I make dua every moment that I can feel you in my arms and just kiss you. I miss you a lot.

Another piece of advice

There are many people that you’re going to meet. Millions. But, you will certainly come across just a few who you won’t, or rather, can’t forget.

You may even be forced to stay apart from those you love. It’ll hurt a lot. And, I may not be there for you. I may not be there to cradle you in my arms and tell you, everything will be fine.

The best advice I can give you is find comfort in patience and prayer. That will certainly give to relief.

Yes, I am Devastated

You are 8 months old. And, I haven’t seen you since…

Yes, I am devastated. Yes, I am hurt. Yes, I am mourning ever since…

I love you and miss you. I yearn to hold you once again.

7 months and 2 weeks old

I read this email (below) one fine morning and my heart started mourning. I went back to the calendar and counted the days and weeks again. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have. I pray that I get my little princess back. I pray I don’t come home empty-handed again. Ya Allaah, please grant me success and please let me come home with my baby. Ameen.

From Babycentre:

“You’ve always known that you and your baby are two separate creatures, but she hasn’t. To her, the two of you are one — she has no identity of her own yet. When you put her in front of a mirror, she doesn’t even realise that the baby she sees is herself. But this month she’ll make a huge mental leap and finally understand that she’s an individual, with her own body, thoughts, and feelings. This jump in understanding opens the door to her growing emotional and physical independence, which will take years to fully develop.”

Confused?

A little bit of excitement. A little bit of anxiety. A little bit of nervousness. A little bit of grief. A little bit of happiness. A little bit of curiosity.

But, a whole load of love. Oh, I just can’t wait.

Depressed, but still Trying

It has been a long time since I have been here. The reason is depression. I still cry myself to sleep and can’t get a lot going. Doing anything is an effort whether it is bathing or just tying my shoelaces. But, I am still fighting. I am still fighting for you. The strength comes from Allaah, then from being a mother. There is nothing worse for a mother than having her little baby taken away from her. I want revenge, but I want my daughter first. I don’t think I can ever forgive that man.

I miss a lot. I am still reliving every second with you. Last year this time, you were a little fetus in me. I loved you then and still love you now.

Falling in Love

Last night I watched Wall-E. It is a cute animated movie on a little robot who falls in love. As I was watching it I kept thinking of you. I want to tell you something on love.

Love is beautiful. Falling in love with that special someone is even more beautiful. You don’t understand what’s going on inside. You just fall in love. You want that person to be happy even if you have to sacrifice your dreams or ambitions or desires. Every person has a special someone in their life for whom they are willing to do anything. And, I make dua that you find yours. Someone who will keep you happy, who will make you laugh from your heart, who will make you dance with glee, who will take care of you when ill or healthy, who will love your dimples, who will love your anger too, who will comfort you when sad, who will just love you for who you are.

Love is a very beautiful and comforting feeling.

I love you and I miss you a lot!

I Just Want You To Know…

that I love you and miss you. Sometimes, I feel that I have numbed the area in my heart that loves you, which is my whole heart! I have numbed it not because I don’t want to love you anymore, but because I don’t want to feel the pain that comes along with it.

Every person has their own unique way of dealing with pain, I guess this is mine. I love you a lot.

I Don’t Know Why…

I really don’t know why I read parenting blogs. I really don’t know! It just hurts me even more. This is so difficult. When I see photos of mommies with their babies and read them talk about how their babies are growing, my heart fills up with pain (as if I didn’t have enough to bear)! I don’t know why I still read them.

Maybe that gives me an idea of how you are growing and what you are learning. But, it also is really painful. Very painful. I love you a lot and you don’t even know who mommy is!